Though you do not know, I murdered my own child. Now, since I am a law-abiding citizen, even I find this fact hard to believe--but it is true. God forgave me long ago; sometimes I can forgive myself and sometimes I cannot. This is my story.

I was twenty-seven, married, and the mother of children, three, five, and seven. I am an adopted child, so my children represented my connection to the world in a way that most natural children cannot understand. My husband and I did not have a strong, marriage, but we were faithful to one another. Position, money, and appearance were important to my husband. God and church became less important as time went on. The responsibility for religious faith and influence in my family fell mainly to me. Though he was raised in a strong Catholic home and I in a Protestant family, we were exposed to, and influenced by all the liberal philosophies of the hippie culture.

Then suddenly, I was pregnant again! My husband reacted by not speaking to me for a week. I was married but alone, depressed and desperate. My husband wanted to fly to New York to "terminate" my pregnancy, but the year was 1974 and we found out that abortion was now legal in Illinois too.

I knew I needed guidance, so I called Planned Parenthood. My counselor there was the wife of a prominent doctor. She never offered me alternatives or discussed the physical, mental, emotional, or moral consequences of abortion. She never asked about my emotional stability. What she did do was arrange an abortion in another town, so my friends and family would never suspect.

So, on a cold but sunny, March day, my husband drove me to the office of an OB/GYN for the abortion. The doctor wanted cash up front. As much as I would like to put all the blame on my husband, I have to accept the fact that I could have stopped at any point before the deed was done. My seven week pregnancy was ended without the benefit of anesthetic; the procedure was very painful.

Then my hell began. On the way home that day, I realized my baby was dead, by my own hand so to speak. My husband retreated into himself and never expressed any emotion to me about the abortion; no grief, no anger or regret--nothing! It was the beginning of the end of our marriage. We went to counseling for five years and even built our dream house, but our love was gone and we divorced 8 years later. During this time, my closest friend also abandoned me. (Later I learned that she had heard about my "secret abortion" from the counselor at Planned Parenthood with whom I had several friends in common.) I could not look at or talk about a baby without becoming hysterical. My depression lead to a suicide attempt and hospitalization.

After the divorce, I not only felt like a murderess, but like a failure as a wife and woman as well. After an initial period of almost total isolation from others, I became promiscuous in an attempt to find security and peace. I became pregnant by a man only nine days after meeting him. When he decided to marry me, I believed that God had given me a chance to redeem myself by bringing a new life into the world. Our marriage lasted almost five years and we had two baby girls. I later learned that he was married when we met and was only divorced two days before we were married. He lied to and abused me often and I had another breakdown and hospital stay. Finally the abuse got so bad that even a friend of mine who was a Nun advised me to leave before he killed me. By then my mental condition was improving and I was able to secure a new job and move with my babies to another town.

I am thankful to God for my two beautiful girls. I have since been reunited with my Lord through a wonderful spiritual experience. I struggle every day but am trying to do things the way God would intend.

The "easy solution" for my unplanned pregnancy left quite an aftermath--loss of friends, guilt, mental illness, divorce, promiscuity, an unplanned, (but never unwanted), child, a hasty marriage, abuse, and another divorce. If abortion had not been legal or even not so readily available, perhaps I could have avoided much tragedy! If any of your efforts make a woman rethink her decision to abort, all of your work will be worthwhile!!! Keep up your good work in defense of life!

Anonymous